Log in

Previous Entry

Admitting I'm An Addict

In my never ending process of trying to get sober, I am leaving this post open for everyone to see. I'm opening up this part of my life and prepared for what happens. I need to get and stay sober. This has been going on for 9 months. I need to find the key to unlock my sobriety. Get my life back on track.

What started my downfall into my drinking problem...my health. When I was diagnosed by my personal doctor with MS, my heart just sank. It was something I was expecting. The dizzy spells, memory gaps, trouble walking, etc. When I was refered to a neurologist and tests came back negative, I got so depressed. I felt like I was given up after I was cut lose. I began to knock back sips of champagne daily.

For years I've dealt with a sick grandmother. You just didn't know what was going to happen day to day. One time, she was sent to the hospital and I lost it. I started with a 6 pack of Miller Lite and drank 2 to 3 bottles every other night. One time I got drunk when I was by myself taking care of her. Because I drop things so easily, I was helpless taking care of her. Instead of staying sober, I got drunk in a matter of minutes.

After she passed away, I stayed sober for a week for her funeral. Not sure how I did it. I began knocking back Heineken's like crazy after that. I could easily go through a 12 pack in one day. I begged my family to help me maintain sobriety. Asked them to even support me through AA meetings. They couldn't do that. I stayed sober for one month. Wow!!! Since then, polish off whatever I can get my hands on. Getting drunk 2 to 3 times a week. Things just started to get worse for me personally in the past few days. Back heavily knocking drinks back.

I was even taking hard drugs at one point. Three weeks clean off them.

I am an alcoholic in every way. I want to get and maintain sobriety. It's not like quitting smoking. There is no quick fix. I sometimes wish I could call my cousin and see how he's doing on getting clean and sober. Talk to someone who is going through the same thing. I need to find the magic key to get help.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 26th, 2009 06:47 pm (UTC)
There is no magic key to getting sober, but if you're looking for other people who understand, AA is the place to be. I dont know how you feel about it, it sounds like you've already been to a few meetings but if you didnt like it, there are other support groups out there, AA is just the best known.

And if you're afraid to go back having slipped, dont be. The majority of people in the rooms have slipped, they wont judge.

Some people dont want you to get clean because you're more malieable when drunk, easier to manipulate. I had one family member like that. If they wont suppot you, do it anyway, you dont need them. In my case, as i became more my own person, they have stopped being so manipulative. I understand enough about the dynamics not to see it for what it is and i dont give in. Strangly, we now live together becaue i'm strong enough to be my own person now, not a puppet.

I didnt want to quit drinking, drink was all i had left, the only thing that loved me no matter what, and that wouldnt leave me if i dissapointed it. It made me feel normal, that was the only time i ever felt normal and happy with who i was. Then one day i realised if i stood any hope of ever having a proper life, i had to stop. I cried, called AA, got blind drunk, cried some more, pased out, woke up the next day and went to a meeting. That was 4 and a half years ago. Life hasnt been easy since then, but even with the shit thats happened, i'm so much happier than i ever was drunk.

I hope you find someone or something to help you through this.

Sep. 26th, 2009 07:03 pm (UTC)
I think you have found the magic key by asking for help. Calling your cousin sounds like a good idea. Finding an AA meeting a very good idea, everyone there has been where you are now.
I've been there, I went through rehab minnesota style, and another seven months of relapse before I reached sobriety.
To keep it simple just don't take the first drink. Sounds easy.
And remember whatever bad things happen to you, they only get worse if you drink.
I'm not the expert on 12 stepping and AA but I use it and it helps.
And you've taken the biggest step already. admitting and asking for help.
Oct. 9th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC)
Sorry it's taken me this long to respond back. Way too many up and downs. Thank you for the comments. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

I know where the local AA meetings are. Just wish I had a way to get there. I have a car, but no license. Trying to stay sober for a period of time to get my license. Not wanting to risk anything. My hands feel tied. My mom and my therapist don't really do much to help. Instead, I keep spiraling out of control. I feel like my hands are tied if no one out there listens to me and wants to help. Instead, they want to see how far it goes.

If this is what rock bottom is like, I feel like I'm there. In a corner with no way out.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )